I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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