I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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