Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
