I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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