I'm going to jail i love you
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
