dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
So here I am, sexting at work.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
