I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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