you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I checked into jail on foursquare
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
