dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
