so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
