I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
