If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
