**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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