Who wears a wallet chain?!
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
