but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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