dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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