I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
