Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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