Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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