yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
