I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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