My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize