I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize