I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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