We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
