she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
