her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
