i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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