There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
