I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize