Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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