you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
