did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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