U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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