So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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