My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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