Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
