The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
