She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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