Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
