You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
