I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
