can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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