hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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