I can text with my tongue
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
