She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
do nipples grow back?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
