Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
All the doctor said was why
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize