Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
