Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
