so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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