Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
