I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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