the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
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