dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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