The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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