like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
