I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
