My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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